You may be about to cheat on your partner and you don’t even know it.
If TV and film and radio and books are any indications, over 135 percent of people are having affairs as we speak. It should be noted that I only watch the Showtime program The Affair and read its novelization. However, between the broadening definition of “emotional infidelity” and the number of “I’d risk it all” memes I’ve been seeing lately, something is for sure in the unfaithful water in these here internets.
I’m going to severely date myself with this reference, but The Mighty Bosstones once sang, “I’m not a coward, I’ve just never been tested,” and in this context means it’s a little tricky judging someone for making a generally crappy choice in a situation they’d heretofore never experienced.
The good news is that, for the most part, having an affair is pretty avoidable… unless you’re a cheater. And being forewarned is being forearmed. So, here are 10 warning signs you’re going to cheat so you can knock it the f*ck off or “risk it all.”
1. You’re at least minimally $exually attracted to a person you’re around a lot.
The person doesn’t have to be your type or more attractive than your main dish, just someone you’re not repulsed by.
2. You make excuses to hang out with them.
Have you thought it might be a good idea to work on a project together when maybe it didn’t make that much sense on paper?
3. You have a crazy amount of inside jokes.
I have inside jokes with complete strangers but sharing a secret language or ample secrets with someone bang-able isn’t great. It fosters a weird level of emotional intimacy, which is its own kind of infidelity.
4. You talk about your love and $ex life a lot.
I think I may be quoting tiny Atlantan Usher here but there is a chance she (or he) is gonna make you wanna leave the one you’re with to start a new relationship if she (or he) is the one you run to talk to when you and your girl (or guy) are having problems.
5. You and your partner are going through a dry spell.
6. You get a weird face-on-fire like you’ve been listening to the Weeknd and sniffing Adderall when you’re around this person.
Do you have the kind of butterflies that you’d need an old Gucci Mane-sized net to catch? You may have it bad, friend. Or typhoid.
7. You recognize him or her by smell.
I don’t think we’ve completely done the math on it yet but holy Steve Martin in Roxanne, can someone’s personal brand put your autonomic boner system through the ringer.
8. You deflect blame.
Are you drunk or on one of the fun club drugs that make liking Skrillex possible? Get ready for a game affectionately known as Crazy Hands. Or don’t, you’re a f*cking adult.
9. You’re constantly going “out of town.”
No reasonable person follows the 3-state rule, but your hormones are in charge now and reason is out the window with politeness and whatever the opposite of pettiness is.
10. You’ve become too good for your current partner.
It happens. Sometimes you transform your body, brain or life and even though your guy or chick helped you up that hill, pastures are looking greener in every direction you look.
Without putting too much stigma on it, people cheat because there’s opportunity. If you’re not interested in cheating or being a cheater, it’s probably a good idea to recognize these classic warning signs you’re going to cheat and remove yourself from that opportunity. Use those endorphins for something productive, and if that fails just whack off real good.